btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
