hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
