I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
