i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
FUCK WHALES
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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