Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
