the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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