Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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