My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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