Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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