I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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