I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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