i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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