Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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