Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
