I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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