Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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