i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
