fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
