The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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