Four minutes until I can fart!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
