I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
