It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
