My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
