seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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