Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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