just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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