I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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