it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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