i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
