if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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