you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
