Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
