He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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