fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
