she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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