The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
