Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
