pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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