the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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