I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
