I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just gargled with NyQuil
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
