I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
