Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
dude. I can hear the air.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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