my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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