What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My feet surprised me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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