Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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