I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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