why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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