I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
