Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
